woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
