At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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