where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
