I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
