I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
