i need an iv and a liver transplant
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
