What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
