I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
