Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
