U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In other news, I just burned my penis
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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