omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
