sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
