You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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