Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
