I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
