I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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