Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
