Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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