On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
