Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
