My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
