When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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