My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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