I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
