bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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