Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
