I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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