Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
