dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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