I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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