I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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