I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
