Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
