So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
