I am puke
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
