I'm jealous of your bromance
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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