You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Someone came in the potted fern
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
