please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
