And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
