oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
