the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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