I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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