My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
