nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
