My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think weed is turning my hair brown
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
