I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
