dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
