So drunk its hurt
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
