I'll bet she douches with gravy.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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