so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize