My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
